I WANT to thank all of you who reached out to me after my last column on what businesses can do for their employees to obtain better mental health in the workplace. I received many emails with many different concerns about this. However, there seemed to be one common theme- that many choose to not reach out to their bosses or co-workers (even if they were specially trained) for a fear of being ridiculed and judged. This leads me to give advice that it took me 27 years to follow myself- focus on you and forget what other people think!

Have you ever really noticed how much of our actions are influenced by what we assume others are thinking? Even when you think you don’t care what others think, you do! From the big to the little things; from chosen career paths to the food we order in a restaurant is often determined by what others think.

Every time we feel embarrassed or wonder if we are looking silly- which we often do – is simply because of what others may think.
Caring about (therefore acting on) what others think is like trying to be a different person to everyone you know or meet.

I’m here to tell you about the simple solution that is hard to do- stop caring!

There are many benefits that come with the freedom of not caring what others may think about you. The most obvious being you get to be your authentic self with unlimited possibilities in front of you. I can’t tell you how many opportunities I’ve missed out on because I was afraid of what others may think and I know I’m not alone in that. A study conducted by the National Science Foundation found that the average human has about 50,000 plus thoughts a day. This means that even if someone thinks about us 10 times in a day, it’s only 0.02 per cent of their overall daily thoughts. It may sound mean but it’s the absolute truth- people don’t care or think about us as much as we think they do. People do not often think outside of themselves which means that unless the person was directly affected by you or your actions, they really would not spend much time thinking about you.
Being the real you, which can only happen when you disregard other opinions brings much peace, genuine relationships and more apparent life goals. Are you even sure of what you’re doing or what you want to be doing? Are they your genuine choices? When you become obsessed with other people’s opinion, you forget your own. People usually judge or form opinions based on what they would do and therefore, there will be many people who will naturally judge you with a biased opinion.

Believe me when I tell you that some people will just judge you either way, no matter what you do. These are the ones unhappy in their own lives and that’s not something you can control. While it is human nature to want to be liked, you cannot please everyone so what’s the point in trying to please anyone? Furthermore, whether others will admit it or not, the right people admire when we stick our values, even if they are not agreed with.

I can tell you from personal experience (although I have a feeling that I don’t even have to) that caring about what other people think is exhausting; it’s like a mental prison. It’s also a complete waste of time. Why? Because we can’t read minds. How we can make decisions on what others are thinking when we truly have no idea what they are thinking. We can assume but we don’t really know and there is no way of knowing.

I’m not even sure if most you can identify that the majority of stress you are feeling is from this. Living this way makes us incredibly vulnerable meaning our self-esteem, self-confidence will mostly depend on the opinion of others.

While it isn’t easy, there are things we do can to live more for us and our opinions only.
First and foremost, you need to clearly identify who you are, what you believe in and what you want out of life. Once you are secure in this, you will be less attentive to others opinions and be able to comfortably focus on your own.

We can develop something that psychologists call attentional control. This means that we only consider outside opinions about us if they are justified and may make us better people overall. This happens when we have made mistakes or have done wrong to others; not caring what others believe doesn’t mean we can be cruel or are always right. However, attentional control allows us to admit when we are wrong, make amends and move forward without your overall view of yourself becoming damaged. It’s simply about learning what’s important to focus on and what isn’t.

Set a standard for your actions, who you are and who you want to be. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed, caring what other people think tends to happen when we feel that we have violated some code or standard. However, who sets these standards and do you even agree with them? Once you are a good person who respects yourself and others, you can follow any standard you want.

Age is supposed to bring wisdom and rationality. However, as we get older we care more about what others think and therefore highly contribute to our own added stress and subsequent downfall. We make decisions based on other’s opinions yet we are the ones who are stuck with the consequences of our behaviour. See the problem?
The most important things to remember are that people’s opinion of you don’t change who you are and opinions can only affect you if you let them. Opinions are truths. I am aware that this is a very difficult thing to do and it is not expected to happen with continued perfection right away. Like anything else, it is a skill that needs to be developed and continuously practised.
I’m going to leave you with some of my favourite quotes on the topic.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” -Goi Nasu

“The only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it.” – Unknown

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
Suicide Prevention Helpline Numbers: 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896

Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always!