LAST week, an avid reader wrote in to discuss his marital issues with me. He said he has been married for seven years but they have been struggling for the past three, and therefore asked for my advice.

I want to start off by saying that I am not an expert on marriage. I’m not even married, but I have worked extensively with families and couples through addiction and can base my suggestions off of those experiences.
I AM about to get married myself, and so I dedicate this one to my fiancé F. Khan, with the intention of practising what I preach.

Marriage isn’t an exact science and its issues and interventions differ for everyone. However, there are some universal issues and solutions that can be applied to create, maintain or regain a healthy relationship and marriage.

I think the first thing to remember is that your marriage should be your number one priority. Many forget this during lengthy marriages or after having children.
Of course, I understand why children become a priority but the word priority has a plurality. If I had to list out an order of priorities, it would go like this: 1. Marriage. 2. Children. 3. Other family members. 4. Work

Not many people would agree but why would I say this?
Of course, this isn’t applicable to single parents but when two people are raising children, it is crucial to be doing this efficiently and healthily together. From what I have seen, it is near to impossible to raise children (the kind you would like, in the way you would like) in a toxic environment. Raising another human being is difficult but some people have an equal partner to do this with, meaning that relationship which is supposed to unburden the process should, therefore, be nurtured even more. Respect and cooperation are key. Also, keep in mind that children base the healthiness and acceptance of their own relationships based on what their parents modelled for them.

Acknowledge and accept that your partner’s needs changes over time. This is something very important that is often forgotten. Do you want the same things out of life that you did five years ago? Probably not so why would you want the same thing out of a relationship? For example, you may start out by wanting assurance of commitment which comes over time so therefore, your primary need may switch to something else. If you feel as though your partner isn’t fulfilling your current needs, you need to tell them what these are. People do not evolve the same and most importantly, they aren’t mind readers.

This brings me to a massive one; communication is absolute key. Have you ever thought about why people scream at each other? Most of the time, it isn’t out of anger but rather, simply, they do not feel heard and they want to. Think about the fights you have had- wasn’t it just you or your partner screaming the same thing over and over? People do not feel heard, as it is not common for the receiver to verbally say they have received and acknowledged the information- which is really all we want.

Common example – you: “you do not help me with this or this and today, I had to do this on my own.” Typical response- “but you do not help me with this and this and yesterday you did that”. What’s the problem there? The message hadn’t seemed to be heard. A better response would be “Yes, today I didn’t help and I should try more….however (if absolutely necessary). This would not result in a screaming match because the message was heard and accepted. We have two ears and one mouth. Simple math tells you which you should use more.

Don’t keep a tally of the mistakes. People often forget that their partner is supposed to be there to help. However, sometimes they don’t but it doesn’t mean it’s intentional. Reminding people of past mistakes does not allow them to grow or even want to.
You have to be tolerant, accepting and forgiving.

Love your partner for their strength, independence and their backbone. It’s tough to admit as its challenging to deal with, but everyone likes to be with people who stand up for themselves. However, a little contradictory but make sure that backbone can bend as it is not always possible to get your way; compromise goes a long way as something I often hear “pride comes before a fall”.

Most couples would say one of the biggest stressors on a marriage is financial issues. There is only one solution to this- both partners need to decide what their priorities are and be financially responsible while attempting to achieve those goals.

Stay fairly independent, as love nor marriage means possession. That person being yours does not mean they are “yours”. Every time you enforce a ‘rule’, you are reinforcing your own insecurity. For example, every time you disallow or guilt your partner into not going somewhere or to constantly spend time with you, the insecurity remains as deep down, you know that’s not what they truly wanted… and then you get upset that they look upset or distant. Do you know when true security and peace come? When they have freedom of choice and they choose you. Absolutely, everyone needs personal time which is in no way a reflection of how they feel about you or the relationship.

I read somewhere that three “A”s ruin marriages- Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger. These speak for itself in how their presence can put the relationship to the ultimate test. Just keep in mind, that research on affairs show that most people engage in them because they are emotionally dissatisfied, not sexually. When people do not feel appreciated, they are vulnerable to those who make them feel just that.

Remember that trust is built when it is shown. Trust comes with full honesty and disclosure but it takes two people. Believe the annoying fact that honesty is a privilege. And no one has to be honest with you. They simply choose to or not and that largely depends on how well you receive the information. If you don’t handle the truth well, how or why would you expect it? Always make sure your reaction is appropriate to the situation.

Be intimate as often as you can. This includes sex, yes, but it’s definitely not limited to it. Intimacy happens in so many different ways. I think true intimacy is in the everyday, mundane things. Forget special events or anniversaries, intimacy lies in the everyday ‘I love you’, taking time to listen about their day, waiting for them to watch your favourite show or making their favourite breakfast for no reason at all. It also couldn’t hurt to have an activity or hobby that you both like to do together. The reality is sex does decrease over time and what’s left is companionship which means you enjoy each other’s company. There should be multiple things you enjoy doing together.

Take care of your appearance. Attraction is very important in a relationship and there isn’t anything wrong with acknowledging or accepting that. Both partners should be living a healthy lifestyle- not just to look good but to feel good. Of course, no one can look good all the time but a little effort has never once hurt anyone. And people, if you want your partner to keep trying to look good, compliment them every time they try to make the effort.

Keep some things a mystery. For example, bathroom time should definitely be personal time.

Drop any previous issues or baggage that you may have. The person you are with now is not (and will never be) the person you were with before. It’s unfair to transfer insecurities or doubts from a previous relationship on to a new one.

Have a weekly date night. This may sound trivial but you have no idea how important this is. I don’t believe when people say they do not have one night a week to dedicate to their partner. This doesn’t have to take up a full day or tons of money. It’s just time where you tune everything and everyone else out and focus on your partner and their needs- quality time.

Divide up tasks and chores understanding that there are no gender-specific chores. When people lash out, it could simply mean they are overwhelmed. If you help each other out- with house chores, parental chores, work chores – life would be much easier and smoother for both partners….. this can work until your children are old enough, then just get them to do it.

Shower them with compliments when they deserve it (or sometimes even when they don’t). When someone is openly acknowledged and appreciated for something, they are more likely to repeat it.

I saved to the most important one for last – watch your words. We have a habit of being cruel to our partners because we feel we can get away with it. I want to say don’t say anything you wouldn’t want to hear but that’s not helpful because everyone reacts to words differently. If you are with your partner long enough, you know exactly what words will hurt and they are not to be used as weapons.

Never use absolute language. Many of us have a bad habit of overgeneralising in arguments which makes us wrong, even when we are right. For example, if you say to your partner “you ALWAYS do this” or “you NEVER do that.” That’s not inviting reconciliation, that’s a full-fledged attack that will bring about nothing but defensiveness; be specific to situations in your disagreements and point making.

A little tip- never discuss sensitive topics in public or when you’re tired, hungry or overly stressed. Honestly, most arguments can be avoided by simply wording things differently. For example, saying “I hope we can do this later” rather than “I don’t have time right now”.

People will always have expectations and hopes of who they want their partner to be. However, you can’t let that overshadow who they are. Things will improve if you nurture your relationship and know that not every insult was intended.

There’s a famous analogy of “The Marriage Box” which discusses the misconception of people believing that marriage is a box filled with all the things they’ve hoped for – love, passion, commitment etc. However, people forget that you can only take out of a box what you have already put in. This means that at the beginning of the marriage, the box is actually empty. Love, intimacy, friendship and loyalty – the things that people look for are not in marriage, they happen within the people in the marriage. So constantly fill up that box so you can take out when necessary.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
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