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Over the past few weeks, I have sadly seen many patients with emotional heartache due to a break-up in their personal relationships. This can definitely affect both our mental and physical health and therefore, I hope this piece can bring peace to anyone who may be experiencing the same at this time.
I’m sure that many if not all of you readers have experienced the pain of a breakup. Did it cause stress? Low self-esteem? Self- hatred or self-pity? Yes. Was it the end of your overall happiness? No.
To those of you who are hurting, I want you to know that there are things that can be done to make the grieving process bearable and shorter.
I truly believe that everything is relative and mostly incomparable. Every person and their experiences are unique. I believe it doesn’t make a difference if the relationship lasted for 15 years or 15 months- what was felt is real and the pain of losing it is the same.
The end of a relationship can actually cause serious mental and physical issues.
Some symptoms even mimic the signs of depression and anxiety such as stress, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, overthinking, loneliness, high levels of anger, low levels of concentration, and irritability. A loss of interest in things that were once enjoyable and suicidal thoughts are also common. In Guyana, one of the most common symptoms is an increase in alcohol and drug use which automatically increases the possibility of hangovers- headaches, nausea, high blood pressure and even the possibility of addiction. The symptoms are of course worsened if the individual is already suffering from a mental illness.
There is also stressed- induced cardiomyopathy, which is commonly referred to as “broken heart syndrome”. This actually isn’t a joke as research shows that serious heartache can cause areas of your heart to temporarily enlarge which restricts blood from pumping normally. Extreme cases of this can result in short-term muscle failure. The only good news? It’s very rare.
So we know the effects of heartache. The problem is, life still has to go on. We still have to go to work, school, and take care of our dependents –whatever our regular responsibilities. So how do we do this?
The death of a relationship causes similar stages of grief that an actual death may cause. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To overcome a break-up, one typically goes through each phase. As examples, you might not want to accept that the relationship is over, you will become angry when you realise it actually might be, you may plead with your partner for it not be over, they may not accept which then causes a mix of emotions. However, after some time passes, you may accept the situation and start the process of moving on.
Acceptance is typically the last stage but I’d advise that it’s also needed in the first stage. That is, you accept the hurt that you are feeling. It is normal to feel hurt, betrayed, hopeless and helpless after a breakup. Allow yourself the appropriate amount of time to grieve. The longer you fight it, the longer you will feel it. The first thing friends do is try to push you to go out after a break-up but it’s okay to sit at home and cry, scream or whatever you feel you need to do.
Secondly, it is advised that you keep your distance from your ex. Cutting all communication is very difficult but usually the best approach.
Reinvent yourself and your surroundings. In the movies, after a breakup, we always see a transformation – this could be a haircut or new wardrobe. This isn’t to make the storyline more exciting. There are actual studies that show a change, especially a physical one, that signifies a new beginning and helps one to faster transition to the acceptance phase.
Having said that, the next step would be to remove any trigger. We all tend to have little trinkets or pictures around that remind us of our relationship. I’m not saying you have to throw everything away but put them out of sight for now- you don’t need a reminder every day.
Reflect well, realistically and accurately on your relationship. This is very important, especially in Guyana. People stay together or they want their relationship to work for all the wrong reasons. They might feel there is no one left to meet or that they don’t want to see their ex with someone else. Reflecting on what you had and whether it’s what you really needed will be a big help. Remind yourself daily of the reality of the situation- especially if it was an unhealthy relationship.
It might sound childish but remember their bad traits. Don’t focus on the good. What did they do to annoy, anger, hurt or frustrate you? Maybe they were always late or rude to you for no reason. Feeling better already aren’t you? Even more importantly, what can you learn about your own behaviour? Are there things you can improve on for your future relationships to be healthier?
A common saying I hear is “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Completely inappropriate I know, but I didn’t make it up! This is called a rebound relationship and in my opinion, a bad idea. It feels better and exciting, yes, but it is a way of masking the pain of the previous relationship. If the rebound ends quickly and badly, one then has to technically emotionally deal with two breakups now instead of one. Remain single until you have gotten over the first breakup.
However, get out and do new things. You have all the time now to discover yourself and things you might like. Use your good support system around you right now – maybe you now have time to build a stronger one.
I asked a few of my colleagues about their last breakup – how long they took to overcome the pain, what they did to do so etc. Here is what one had to say.
“I was with my last boyfriend for 3 years and it took me 5 months to fully get over him- where nothing bothers me. I had cut off all contact, unfollowed him on social media and thought of all his bad traits often. What helped me was new activities that I liked such as reading, dancing and going out more with my friends. If I had to cry, I let it out and then went back on with my day- I chose not to lie down and mope all day. I reminded myself that I didn’t deserve the treatment I was getting and that I could do better.”
If your relationship has just ended, many of us feel for you as your more than likely experiencing a wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, embarrassment – feelings that we all know too well. Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is that you will feel this way for some time- maybe longer than you’ll like. The good news is that this is the normal grieving process and as the saying goes ‘time heals all wounds’.
Thank you for reading and please send in any topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com. Also please remember when you can come see me.
Georgetown Public Hospital, Psychiatric Department: Monday- Friday –08:00hrs- 12:00hrs
Suicide Prevention Helpline Numbers – 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444 or 600-7896
