DEALING with the aftermath of a broken relationship, marriage or otherwise, might seem like a trite thing to address in a column. But it is precisely because it is so commonplace that we should be talking about it. The question is, though, how do we make the discourse a useful one and not just another clichéd relationship advice piece. We do this by considering the impact of the end of those relationships on a person’s life, the pain, the process of rebuilding and how that is shaped by mental wellness.

As a 30 something who has walked this path more times than I would like to admit, I’ve learned that there is very limited help for a person grappling with the effects of loss. Well-meaning loved ones and supporters will tell you in these moments of deepest loss that you will get over it, you are better off without him or her or the ever funny colloquial ‘the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.’ Barring the latter, they are right. A break-up, for whatever reason, no matter how painful is something most mentally healthy people can and will get over.

Of course, there will be feelings of pain and grief that are associated with any kind of loss, but most people will find ways to cope as they move through the stages of grief. A simple google search will point you in the direction of coping mechanisms like keeping yourself busy, allowing yourself to grieve, leaning on the support of loved ones, taking up a new hobby and an innumerable amount of self-care suggestions. For most people over time they will find the perfect formula to return them to that place of well-being, fulfilment and happiness once again.

But what of those of us, whose break-ups were more like a trauma that has a long-lasting impact resulting in long-term effects on our mental health and the healthy conduct of our lives? Recently, I was having a conversation with a good friend about how she smiles outwardly, but on the inside, there is a constant sense of pain that never leaves. This caused me to reflect on my most significant break-up and how it shaped who I am today. It was not one of those clean-break situations. It was more like a death in the family, but instead of burying the dead, we mourned over the rotting carcass with no end in sight. And because we could not accept that it was over, I never saw the creeping depression, which slowly crept up and enveloped me over time.

It was impossible for me to determine whether my feelings were a normal and healthy reaction to something that is naturally painful to every one, or whether it was something more serious. According to a booklet published by the United States’ National Institute of Mental Health under the title, Depression: What you need to know,” depression is described as not just mere sadness, which everyone experiences from time to time. It is the persistent occurrence of one or more of the following symptoms.

* Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
* Decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
* Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Appetite and/or weight changes
* Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
* Restlessness, irritability
* Persistent physical symptoms

As I struggled through my day-to-day existence, if I had seen this list at that time, I would have been horrified to see how many boxes I easily checked off. Looking back now, I remember feeling isolated and unable to define what I experiencing. There are, as you know, very limited options for mental health in general in Guyana; therefore, the idea that anyone would seek such services for something as ‘frivolous’ as a break-up is a foreign concept to most Guyanese. Add that to the fact that mental illness is associated with the ‘mad people’ stigma, it means that I could not identify what I might be dealing much less seek professional help for it.

While writing this column, I asked a friend who I know has been having a tough time as a result of her own relationship break-up, whether she had experienced any of the things on the list above without telling her that they were symptoms of depression and she said that she currently had all except thoughts of death or suicide, but that she had experienced those thoughts in the past. Her relationship ended three years ago. You can see, therefore, that without help, there is a lasting impact that can continue to have continuing effects on a person’s mental health and well-being.

So what do we do in the absence of the type of help that is needed? We find healthy, but too often unhealthy coping mechanisms. For a period of between three to four years when I felt like I would never know what it is like to feel truly happy again, I quit my career and threw myself into theatre. That outlet had been my passion since I was a child and returning to it felt like returning home. I wrote my pain and on stage I used it to tell stories with my body. I often say theatre saved my life. But I also had an unhealthy coping mechanism. It was alcohol. I drank alone, I drank in social settings, I drank when something good happened and when I was upset. I am not sure when it crossed over from a social drink here and there to the point where I was regularly drunk. Alcohol abuse in Guyana is so common that unless your behaviour approaches that of a vagrant, who practically lives at a rumshop very few people, beyond those who are very close to you, will flag increased alcohol use as a symptom of something more serious.

An important question we must ask ourselves is, how many of the social ills we see today are as a result of limited options available to address how we cope mentally and emotionally with the trials of life, including heart break and the end of relationships for both married and unmarried couples? The Ministry of Public Health has flagged mental health as an important priority area. According to an August release from the Department of Public Information, “It was highlighted that the mental health institute is working to ensure at least 50 percent of non-specialised health care providers in Guyana, are trained to address mental health issues. The unit has recognised that it would be more effective to identify and treat with mental illnesses at the primary health care level.” This is heartening, because it seeks to mainstream mental health in the delivery of health care services.

However, when one considers the fact that many Guyanese shy away from going to the doctor unless they are very ill, it points to the need for national mental health education and awareness programmes, which allow all of us to be able to identify these issues in ourselves, or in our loved ones. Education and awareness will also help us over time to overcome the stigma associated with these types of illnesses.

Without professional help, but with the support of my loved ones, I have learned to deal with my depression in healthier ways. In fact, I feel like I have clawed my way back up to a more mentally sound place. I am mostly happy, though there are days when I feel like I am on the precipice of falling back into that state. Thankfully, I have a loving circle of people around me, an understanding of what depression is and I have found a way to value personal happiness.

I will never know why a break-up had such a profound effect on me. Maybe, there were other facts from before that had impacted my mental wellness and the break-up was just the last straw. But understanding that it is a real thing and that I can get help for it, professional or otherwise, has been comforting. To all of you living with persistent sadness and anxiety, please know that you are not alone, don’t be afraid to reach out for help whether it is through your family, the public health care system, or your friends. You can and will get better.