I WANT to break away, or break out and be free, free to live a normal life, but part of me keeps saying it’s impossible I am too deeply entrenched in this type of existence. What would I do without it, who will I be? I have been sexually abused consistently and I’ve grown and developed with this being part of my life now. It’s the life I have come to accept.

This lifestyle had taught me how to think, how to act, what to say, and above all, it had taught me how to mask my true feelings, to smile and make it look genuine, to behave in a manner that people would expect from a young girl. But deep inside it feels like my inner most soul is struggling for recognition it is fighting to be free: A soul that had been supressed and denied. It needs to be free but I am afraid. I am afraid of what being free might mean. I’d be raising the lid on a secret that my family are unaware of. I would be exposing myself and the perpetrator to enquiries and investigations, speculation and judgement. It sounds like my worst nightmare and at the end of the day it will all boil down to my word against his.

Adults always take sides and make children out to be liars, our words bear no weight. My family might even blame me and say I like to play ‘big woman’ and I got what I deserved. I could see Aunt Chrissie saying something like that, that’s exactly how she thinks. I couldn’t bear going through all that. I feel worthless and dirty already; I couldn’t stand to feel scorn from my loved ones or bear their looks of distaste and contempt.

It hurts inside not to have the ability to lead a normal life. I look at other young girls and I want to feel free like them, to laugh, run, dance and sing from my heart. But I have this big secret in my head holding me down like a burden. It takes away from my freedom to enjoy everything because it’s in my brain and it always will be, it is part of my existence. The part that I do not want, the part that was forced upon me, the part that haunts me and defines what I am, who I am and all I am likely to be.

Well, no one knows the truth apart from me and him and for all concerned I will keep it that way. It is best to have a peaceful life so I will keep pretending that it never happened I am good at pretending and I will keep hoping that it won’t happen again. I won’t let it happen again, I will be sure to stay out of his way and never be alone with him and if he tries anything next time I will fight and scream and call for help and…and he’ll shut me up like he did before the way he does so well.

There must be a way out. I couldn’t have this strong feeling inside of me longing to be free telling me there is a way out of this if there isn’t. I just need to find the key.

The Childcare and Protection Agency have trained counsellors among their staff who listen and work with clients to help them through various situations that have occurred in their lives. With child sexual abuse cases, eventually a victim can begin to rebuild their life without the (self) stigma or lack of self-confidence which is often attached to abuse cases. If you know of a child who may be abused or neglected in anyway call the Childcare and Protection Agency Hotline on 227 0979.

A Message from the Childcare and Protection Agency, Ministry of Social Protection