By Scheherazade Ishoof Khan
For years, a dear friend of mine, whenever we met, would always greet the other with ‘Yuh put on!’ to which the other would say ‘Yuh look pull down!’ It was our way of lampooning the usual habit women have of greeting each other with a subtly critical comment about appearance, in that either you’d gained lots of weight or that you looked sickly from weight loss. This little joke reminded us that what we valued about each other had nothing to do with silly, vapid chatter nor did it matter how the other may have appeared.

I recount this because I recently had cause to reflect on how girls/women interact with each other, beginning in adolescence as they start to mature and natural curiosity leads them to expand their awareness of those around them. It was brought to my attention that one of my friend’s daughters had been experiencing what could only be described as ‘bullying’ at the hands of some young ladies in her peer group. I suppose that I’ve been an adult long enough to have forgotten what it was like to be bullied as a little girl, especially one that was shy, reserved and socially awkward. While some of those traits may still be present, it does not ever cross my mind that someone would attempt to bully me now.

My own experiences with bullying began in elementary school in Miami. However, I was always encouraged by my mother never to allow someone to intimidate or frighten me. To always find a way to speak up for myself. That my father was a former Army officer may have played a role in strengthening and creating a resolute nature, one that was never going to tolerate anyone attempting to threaten or demean me. But, I believe that I have forgotten that despite the occasional rapscallion inclinations, girls generally can be very loving, kind, gentle, empathetic individuals.

We live a country where it is no secret that suicide has plagued the population for years, granting Guyana the status of first amongst nations in suicides per capita, the majority of victims, unsurprisingly, are women. The question of what compels women and girls in this country to take their own lives at such an abominably high rate is one that I cannot authoritatively answer, but I can offer some small insight into how a path to that end may be paved.

Quite honestly, it probably begins at a point when the individual seriously starts to doubt their self-worth, their value and place in society, their academic ability or usefulness, their outward appearance and attractiveness, or any combination of the above. These myriad aspects of self-doubt can become emotional lodestones, growing heavier and more confining as girls mature.
That feeling of ‘not belonging’ or the fear of extreme social ostracizing, being isolated, being deemed unacceptable for some superfluous reason, these can all contribute significantly towards planting poisonous seeds into the psyche of our young girls and women. So much so, that when faced with what seems like insurmountable odds and grim situations, they view suicide as their only option. Ending it all, simply not existing.

Why, in Guyana, do more girls and women get to this point than girls and women ANYWHERE else in the world? What do we do to examine how we are socializing and raising our girls so that they rarely consider suicide an option in adversity? Or rather, as a society, what are we doing wrong that has so demoralised our young ladies that they choose nonexistence?
My very unscientific observation has been that all too often, we women/ladies are our own worst enemies. A truism to be sure, but with deadly local consequences. We constantly seek to define and describe our fellow women by narrow, achingly parochial, social confines.

We relentlessly point out flaws, constantly comparing appearances, engaging in the destructive back-handed chatter that demolishes the self-esteem of so many girls and women. To be ‘feminine’, to look and behave a certain way (‘girly’ as opposed to ‘mannish’) is rigidly enforced, no matter the ethnicity, education or proximity to urban centers. The mores and norms that we aggressively expect to impose on our girls and women eventually erode what should be an acceptance of normal divergence and healthy individuality. Failure to conform leads to a wealth of chatter in the immediate community that girls live within, and very few have the courage to withstand and cope with a constant barrage of widespread gossip-mongering.

Sometimes women who have themselves been in oppressive situations can be the worst, rabidly enforcing inflexible existences for their daughters in an effort to groom ‘proper girls’ who will eventually marry well. This being the supposed pinnacle and purpose of girls’ existence in Guyana.
At some point, we have to agree that women, girls are not shackled to the stereotypical roles and ways of appearing and being and thinking that have characterized the history of our existence. Women should not be obliged to look and act a certain way, simply because they want to avoid harsh societal censure. The self-determination that they must have and achieve, and if necessary, demand, is essentially mostly an emotional, intellectual freedom, one enabled by economic freedom. One that emphasizes their own perception of who they are and what they want to be. That they are extremely valuable and capable, and to hell with anyone who believes otherwise!

Now, getting back to bullying-the passive-aggressive, BS back-of-the-hand whispering that women and girls do to each other has to stop. This simple, yet devastatingly effective instrument terrorizes and torments. Almost impossible to ignore, it defeats and demeans the spirit of countless young girls and grown women every day. Sometimes, bullying isn’t a large looming dark force, but a small, diffident, contemptuous coarseness that spitefully and deliberately savages the psyche of vulnerable girls and women by maliciously excluding or isolating them.

Feeling alone, unsupported and misunderstood, one can begin to understand how this oftentimes barely audible trickle of foulness slowly erodes even a grown woman’s self-esteem and self-worth, eventually leading to a decision involving suicide. So. When next you wish to snidely point out to a friend or young lady that she’s a: gained weight, b: lost weight, c: wearing ugly, uncool clothes, d: any completely unnecessary nasty comment or criticism; think…And remind yourself that we do not know what sadness lurks in the hearts of our girls and women, try not to be a force for perpetuating misery and meanness. Teach this to your children as well. Be a force for good, tap into your vein of humanity and say a kind, welcoming word. If not, feel free to just smile politely and keep your mouth shut.