EARLY in my marriage, I invited my in-laws to dinner. My father-in-law was so verbally abusive to his wife, I couldn’t tolerate it. I stood up, and from across the table, I told him that in his home, he could speak to her any way he wanted, but not in mine; I would not put up with it. He told his wife to get up, and they left.

Two days ago, something similar happened with my father-in-law. As usual, my mother-in-law and husband didn’t stand up to him, but I let loose on him. I am not sorry for most of what I said; just the way I said it. I wish I could have been tenderly compassionate.

My father-in-law has cut off his daughter’s family. He also had a sister he didn’t talk to, and she died before the relationship was healed. Now, because of what I did, my husband isn’t talking to me either.
Marie

Marie,
You think compassion is a Swiss army knife, but it can’t cut through the way your husband was raised, or who your in-laws are as people. It’s a dull blade trying to cut through generations of training and bad behaviour.

This pattern existed from before you existed in the family; walking in through marriage won’t end it.

Thinking compassion can change your father-in-law is no different from thinking compassion can make your husband’s family speak a different tongue. His behavior; his parents’ behavior; his grandparents’ behaviour is likely their native tongue.

Believing people can change is a half-truth. The other half of the truth is, if deep in their heart people want to change and put forth Herculean effort, it may be possible.

How do we prove that? By all the people who wish they were thinner; wish they studied harder; wish they exercised more… yet do nothing about it.