Shoeless

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WHERE TO start! I’ve been married 16 years, happily I thought. Like any other marriage, we’ve had ups and downs, but nothing major. Three-and-a-half years ago, my husband, 39, had an emotional affair. I confronted him.

He begged me to forgive him, and I chose to work through it. We have a daughter, and she deserved that much. I never turned him away, even on days I felt like leaving him for breaking my heart. I cried a lot the first six months, and got through it without therapy.

The past two years were, I thought, great. We went out on the boat almost every weekend, and on family trips to Disneyland and Universal Studios, Hollywood. Our sex life was in full swing; everything seemed wonderful.

Last August, we had a small argument over a dream I had. He went all off, and told me he loves me but is not sure he is in love with me. Time is passing, he said, and he wants to live his life.

“Wow, what happened!” was my response. He said he’s been unhappy at least a year, but was waiting. We agreed to separate while living in the same house. I wouldn’t question where he goes or comes. I would not call him unless it related to our daughter.

I moved to the spare room. This lasted a week before he started calling and texting me. Within two weeks, he invited me to his room and we slept together.

Then the first of January, he again tells me it’s not working; he needs to live, because he’s not getting any younger. He starts going out with his friends, who are single and in their 20s, almost every night ’til 4-5am.

A week after Valentine’s Day, he tells me he read a book Online that made him realize he has to try to make this work for the sake of our daughter. I agree, and tell him we can work through this. He even says he’s willing maybe to try counselling.

Since then, he has been home more, but he still “doesn’t feel it.” I’m willing to work through this and patiently wait until his feelings come back. But how can I get him to wait, too? He keeps talking about leaving. I’m scared if he leaves, it’s over; he won’t come back.
Simone

Simone,
In 1919, the members of the Chicago White Sox baseball team were accused of conspiring to throw the World Series. The plot implicated eight or nine players, including ‘Shoeless Joe’ Jackson, one of the best players in the history of the game.

There is a story that a young boy approached Joe Jackson as he was leaving a Chicago courthouse. The boy looked up at Jackson, his idol, and said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

That is what you are asking. Say it ain’t so that my husband doesn’t love me; say it ain’t so that he wants a different life. But it’s time to ask yourself, What if it is so?

Your husband is acting in his own best interests; you need to do the same. He gets no credit for calling a previous relationship an “emotional affair.” An emotional affair is not an escape clause. His current behaviour shows his intent is, and was, to betray you.

He corrupts your marriage by getting you to accept what he is doing. He corrupts his role as father when he rolls in at 4am. Is that the kind of husband you want for your daughter? Don’t let him use your daughter on you now.

Honestly, decide why you are staying. Is it money, loneliness, loss of status and a social circle? Or something else? Consult an attorney so you know where you would stand in event of divorce. Above all, face the real question: What if it is so?
Wayne & Tamara