THE SUBJECT of infidelity is very sensitive, as it may arise or result from mistrust. When society talks of sacred vows and faithful partners, religious and emotional overtones become deep-rooted.

There are differences in men and women who seek extra-marital affairs. Women are more likely to seek affairs linked to romance or love, while men are more likely to be involved for the sex. While there are differences in gender behaviour, there are also sentiments. This discussion will explore the female aspect of extra-marital affairs. Many of these reasons may be applied to men who are having affairs.

It is generally opined that men, more than women, have affairs. This is especially true of cultures where the men are raised to be more macho and dominant. In such instances, the family, immediate or extended, may look the other way in cases of male infidelity.

1. LIFE CRISIS: Marriage is an act of responsibility and, therefore, maturity. There is a stress about meeting the partner’s expectations in the bedroom with family or financial matters. Where these concerns are not openly and honestly dealt with, they accumulate and may reach a breaking point. Many women are afraid to discuss these feelings for fear of disappointment; because men often treat these life events more lightly and may refuse to talk about them. Also, the lack of money or birth of a child may leave the husband in need of attention. He may go out with friends for a few drinks.

2. SEXUAL ADDICTION: This is the need to engage in sex without the romance. These are women who have low self-esteem. They see others as better off, smarter, more beautiful or all of the above. These individuals have difficulty with coping with stress; these individuals seek quick sexual adventures. The individual sees her sex act as a new high, like a sniff of cocaine. Such feelings develop in high society when they lack serious commitment, but count their success by what they ‘score’ and denying reality.

3. RETALIATORY AFFAIRS: Revenge or retaliation could be a satisfying experience. Women, more than men, are likely to have such affairs, because of the power, both physical and financial, over the women. Also, the children concept of marriage {some Roman Catholics} may not allow them to consider a divorce. This brings out helpless rage in the women. The aim is to hurt the offending partner, rather than to bring joy. They want to even the score. Men may often have a double standard, in that men can do it but women cannot.

4. TRIPOD AFFAIR: Some women stay in a marriage because of poor economic circumstances, and worry about the adverse effects of a divorce. There is need, therefore, for another, who will assist financially or socially; a friend who will provide the needed resources to keep the family going. The third leg of the tripod is to provide the extra support. The relationship may go beyond money to tenderness and sexual fulfillment. She may provide all of those in return for her own benefit. If the mate finds out, he may become enraged. In rare cases, he may look the other way, as long as the income is there, and the family is together.

5. EXPLORATORY AFFAIRS: These are not accidental but have a deliberate quality about them, whereby a relationship may be in trouble. The husband may have been sedentary, lost his job or spark of romance, while hers is still alive. She may find an alternative {a friend} at work; a family friend; or even on the Internet. She may even rationalise that she needs to put some spark in her love life or catch-up on what she was missing. She may come to realise that a new relationship was not what she was seeking. The thought of children and an extended family may make her feel guilty. Such cases are not unusual, and are even discussed with close family members or very close friends.

6. ENTITLEMENT: Since the sex revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, women feel more liberated to have lunch with a male colleague and do not think much of it. Women in such a relationship are of often happily married – some 33 per cent of them; men 55%. A romance may be perceived as having nothing to do with sex. This may not be the perception of the husband, especially the jealous, insecure one. Women may feel that they are entitled to attention from their husbands, who, in turn, may see his role as a provider and not the modern husband. For this, she should be grateful.

7. SEXUAL IDENTITY: During adolescence, there is a feeling of attraction to the opposite or same sex. Where there is a same-sex attraction, this may lead to guilt or anxiety. What is difficult here is that the feeling is kept hidden and she refuses to discuss it with anyone. Some women get married to escape a poor family life. This attachment or ‘love’ is not based on love, but an emotional dependency, seeking independence. She may have become attached because of his attention, lavish gifts, etc. He may recognise this and take advantage of it. He has ‘conquered’ her; he can go on with his quest. She will find company in other women or men; not necessarily for sex, but for the companionship. Deep inside of her, the new woman will emerge.

8. MIDLIFE CRISIS: Women, during menopause, may be more sexually aroused because there is no fear of pregnancy, and because the children are grown up and have probably left home {the empty nest syndrome}. The husband, in the meantime, has his own mid-life crisis: Working out to look younger, new suit, hair colour, new car, etc. If the wife does not attend to this and match him, she may loose him: Attention from younger female workers, a secretary, etc. Besides, these women see these middle-aged men as having more (corporate) power, more money, and being more desirable.

9. EXIT AFFAIR: This is the last fling before the divorce. The women may know; the man may not; but she feels little guilt, because she has already made up her mind. In discussion of the family problem, the husband will present a list of complaints, attempting to rationalise why events could be better, and why he has tried so hard. Silently, she laughs. She may even admit the affair. This last-fling may be a part of retaliation or other causes of affairs.

The subject of extra-marital affairs in men and women has been in the literature for centuries. It has now become more open. There is a club of women who are in favour of affairs, because they are treated much better than wives, in terms of kindness and gifts. These women argue that they can leave at anytime, and they will not be hurt by extra-marital affairs. Throughout history, and in most cultures, extra-marital affairs are a fact of life.